


tell it to my heart

by aestrales



Category: Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey
Genre: Brace yourself, Every Lesbian Needs A Gay Man to Judge Her Life Choices, F/F, I speak from personal experience, There's a lot of sass packed into this one though, anyway what am I saying about this fic, i call this one Lesbians Working Through Past Trauma Find Love In The Most Unexpected Places
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2019-10-17 06:08:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17554859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aestrales/pseuds/aestrales
Summary: trying to heal from the past and move forward was never going to be easy, and romantic feelings are only complicating the healing process. but with the help of some meddling friends, a bitchin therapist and some self indulgent fluff on the part of the author, these useless lesbians just might find love.title from the song by taylor dayne bc it slaps





	1. kisses and kitchens

"Oh my god, Karen. Your wish came true. It's Halloween in November!" Regina looked up at Janis with a sickly-sweet smile.  
"Actually, Regina, my dream is to have Halloween every day. Why would I just want it in November?"  
"Whatever." Regina rolled her eyes.  
It was a very weird table. Since peace had been declared among the North Shore juniors, and Cady had reverted back to lion-loving sweetheart with the best intentions and the worst ideas, she'd somehow managed to convince the ex-Plastics, Janis and Damian to share a table in the cafeteria.  
It was going well, as far as nobody's eyes having been gouged out yet. Surprisingly, Damian, Karen and Gretchen got on really well, and Cady's enthusiasm seemed to hold the group together in a weird way.  
Janis and Regina were a slightly different story. They tolerated each other, sure, but there was unresolved tension and anger between them, which boiled over as petty insults. It was much better than any locker carving or kalteen bar based fighting, though, and it was actually kind of fun to watch them throwing insults.  
"So what's your costume, Regina? Someone who accidentally put a red sock in with their whites?" Janis gestured to Regina's pale pink outfit.  
"Hey guys!" Cady entered with her usual energy, Aaron by her side. "How's everyone doing?"  
"Peachy." Janis replied, only half sarcastic. Cady grinned back at her.  
"So, the Mathletes have a competition this weekend, and then we're having a party after. Do you guys wanna come?"

 

How the fuck Janis had ended up in Kevin Gnapoor’s basement, sandwiched between Regina George and Damian, listening to Kevin beatbox while Cady recited the digits of pi, she might never know. But she was here, and there was alcohol, and some of the Mathletes weren’t so bad once you got used to the overpowering smell of body spray and insecurity. At least she wasn’t an ex-Plastic, she thought, as she watched Gretchen attempt to politely reject the advances of a drooling freshman in a mathletes jacket.  
Only an hour before, she’d been sat in an auditorium, watching the thrilling emotional rollercoaster that was the Mathletes competition. She’d wanted to be there for Cady in earnest, especially since Cady had doubled her efforts to be a good friend since she and Janis had reconciled, but by God it was boring. At least now she got to sip vodka and Coke and watch Damian braid Karen's hair.  
The sofa was low and saggy, and it felt like it would swallow you if you sat there too long. Especially since Regina seemed to be taking up half the space, twirling her hair right in Janis' eyeline. So she was glad when someone suggested spin the bottle, and a circle was formed on the basement carpet, even if she was putting herself in a situation where she might genuinely have to kiss a Mathlete.  
Karen Smith took the first bullet in that department, and the poor boy looked like he might just pass out. His friends all cheered as she pecked him on the lips with a sweet, unfailing smile.  
"God. I think he might need to excuse himself." Regina's voice was low, and she spoke in her familiar, almost rehearsed bitchy rhythm. Janis exhaled shortly in lieu of a laugh.  
Cady spun next, and landed on Aaron, which was ridiculously dull. It went on, deeply amusing to everyone. Twice, two Mathletes boys had to kiss, and Damian and Janis cheered like mad, making fun of how awkward they were. Karen and Gretchen kissed, Damian gave Cady a peck on the nose, and Aaron had to politely kiss Regina. The room basically erupted in laughter when Janis landed on Damian, and they both air kissed about 5 times like twinks meeting at a brunch. It went round one more time, until it got to Regina, who, of course, landed on Janis.  
Fucking perfect, she thought. Cady looked panicked.  
"You don't have to-"  
"No. I'm fine with it." Regina addressed it to Cady, and Janis could feel the tension rise in the small space between her and Regina.  
"Yeah. Me too, I guess." Janis turned to face Regina, who looked defiant, and they proceeded to both lean in awkwardly, not breaking eye contact until the moment of impact.  
Regina's lips were soft, and for the fraction of a second they were together Janis felt her heartbeat increase. They broke apart, but their faces stayed close for half a moment too long. Janis leaned back and picked up her drink, taking a sip and pointedly not looking at Regina.

"Well, that was weird tonight." Damian said on the drive home. He'd sobered up over the course of the evening, and they'd just dropped Cady off, who had miraculously managed not to hurl on anyone, but was still unreasonably tipsy after just two drinks.  
"You are not wrong." Janis deadpanned.  
"How do you feel about it?"  
"I don't know. I guess... it's good? Like, the fact she wasn't weird about it. She's less of a bigot now than she used to be."  
"True. I was surprised by her reaction."  
"Me too."  
"So... how was the kiss?"  
"Oh my god, Damian. Why would you ask that?"  
"Because I'm curious."  
"Oh wow. Well it was definitely weird."  
"Was it nice?"  
"Weird."  
Silence fell, and Janis plugged her phone into the aux cord.


	2. birthdays and bearding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi folks! thank you all so much for commenting & giving kudos on the last chapter. as requested, here's the next one- my planned upload schedule is gonna be wednesdays & sundays but this chapter is a little early because i have an a level drama performance tomorrow night and parents evening the night after that and mock exams are coming up and today I put conditioner in my hair instead of shampoo, so like,,,
> 
> massive thanks to @commanderofraccoons for messaging me & offering some writer solidarity (who needs plot, right?) and for directing me to your incredible oneshots which are my new official guilty pleasure.
> 
> hope y'all enjoy!

"Should I shave the side of my head again?" Janis asked Cady, running her hand over the side of her head where it was starting to grow out, looking into the mirror of the girls’ bathroom. "Damian accidentally did it last summer, but I liked it, so I kept it." She caught Regina rolling her eyes in the mirror, and made eye contact with the reflection. "Or maybe I should just shave it all off." She raised an eyebrow as if in challenge.  
"That's... not a good idea" Gretchen weighed in.  
"I'll never know until I try." Janis smiled slightly at Regina's irritated expression.  
"I think you should keep it, actually. It looks really cool." Cady responded.  
"It goes really well with your whole artsy vibe." Karen smiled, and Janis couldn't help but love how sincere and sweet she was. "What would I look like if I shaved my hair?" She cocked her head in the mirror.  
"Not good, honey." Gretchen shook her head.  
“Never know until you try.” Janis grinned.

 

A few weeks later, it was Janis' birthday, and the night before, Damian went to Cady's house and they made Janis' favourite kind of cake. Damian was actually a pretty good baker, and Cady knew how to make good icing (or a lot of icing, which is really the same thing). They were both hopped up on sugar and excitement, and they’d had Disney songs blasting while they baked.  
While Cady was mixing icing and Damian was licking the spoon, Cady ventured to ask something.  
"So... Janis."  
"Mhmm?" Damian looked up inquisitively.  
"Am I completely crazy, or… have she and Regina been getting on weirdly well lately? Like... very well?” Damian looked at her, paused, then gasped hysterically.  
"OH MY GOD. I thought I was the only one to see it. Regina gets all flustered and quiet around Janis, doesn't she?” He gestured emphatically with a whisk he was holding and cake batter splattered the wall behind him.  
"Oh my god, yes. And when they insult each other, it's like they're flirting. In a very weird, Regina and Janis way."  
"Absolutely. The sexual tension is absurd. It’s like they don’t even realise they’re doing it.”  
"But, like, is Regina... into girls? Cause I kinda find that hard to believe."  
"I don't." Damian raised an eyebrow. "Cady, I pride myself on having an impeccable gaydar. And from the moment I met that girl, she's given off internalised-homophobia-resulting-in-displays-of-hyper-femininity-and-performative-heterosexuality-with-a-side-of-projecting-onto-Janis vibes. But I never said anything, because I didn't know how Janis would react."  
Cady looked like she was coming to a sudden realisation.  
"But... no way. Regina George?"  
"Yes way, honey."  
"Wow. And Janis?"  
"Janis has suppressed a crush on Regina since she was 12. She'd never admit it, but if Regina hadn't been such a bitch, she might have really liked her."  
"Wow." Cady exhaled. This was a lot to take in- she’d half expected Damian to dismiss her comments out of hand.  
"I've kinda figured half of this for a while, but I didn't say anything. Janis would have bitten my head off." Damian grinned. "So, what's the plan?"  
"What plan?"  
"To get Regina and Janis together."  
"Damian, I don't think that's such a good idea. Should we meddle with that?"  
"Darling, there's never a bad time to meddle. Especially in love."  
"I have to believe that's not true."

 

"This is amazing. Thank you, guys." Janis half hugged Damian and Cady in one go, grinning. It was a sponge cake with red decorative icing and way too much vanilla, Janis' favourite.  
"Who wants some?" She addressed the table. Damian, Karen, Cady and Aaron raised their hands immediately.  
"I'll have a little." Gretchen said, with a martyred courtesy.. Janis looked at Regina, the only one who hadn't spoken. She tucked her hair behind her ear.  
"I'll have a really small slice, I guess." Janis rolled her eyes, and started cutting. Before long, Janis was devouring a huge slice, and she had icing all over her fingers. Her lipstick was a complete goner, and a sandwich lay half eaten on her tray.  
"Hey Janis.” Damian grinned at Cady, who had watched him scrape icing onto his fingers.  
"Hmm?” Janis turned to face him, and he smeared icing over her mouth. Janis made a muffled shout, laughing while trying not to let it fall off. She grabbed icing off her own cake and did the same to Damian.  
"Aww, it's like a wedding." Karen grinned.  
"That's some hardcore bearding." Janis laughed.  
"What's bearding?"  
"Urban dictionary, Karen." Regina took another mouthful of cake from her fork. Karen nodded and took her phone out studiously.  
Janis and Damian had a philosophy that anybody who ate cake with a fork was not someone to be associated with. They both knew they were breaking this rule which they held sacred, but somehow it didn't feel like the most drastic change of the year thus far. All of the plastics had forks out right now, and yet Janis felt no animosity. She didn't even feel like making a sarcastic comment. She was in too good a mood, for one thing, and for another, she'd realised that Regina's insistence on eating a translucent slice of cake didn't have anything to do with her. This time last year, it would have pissed her off beyond belief. But she didn't care what Regina did. She guessed this was what people called "maturing" and "co-existing". It wasn't so bad, really.


	3. seating and secrets

That night, Janis was collapsed on a sofa in Cady's house in front of a movie. Karen, Gretchen and Damian had now formed an actual braid train on the floor, Cady and Aaron were cuddling on the sofa, and Regina was on her phone, sat right next to Janis.  
"Do you have to sit like that?" Regina asked, irritated.  
"Like what?" Janis asked innocently. She was cross-legged, with her elbow resting on the arm of the sofa. As Janis' sitting positions went, it as relatively considerate, but clearly she'd successfully irritated Regina.  
"How would you have me sit, Regina? Pray tell."  
"Like a normal person." Regina rolled her eyes as she said it.  
"Oh, okay." Janis raised her eyebrows and moved her legs down, crossing them primly with her hands in her lap and drawing her shoulders dramatically down. "How's this, your highness?” She stared Regina down. They held eye contact for just a moment too long.  
"Karen, can I speak to you in the kitchen for a moment?" Gretchen said with import, and they both got up, clutching their half finished braids. Damian waited until they had reached the kitchen before following them conspiratorially.  
In the hall, he couldn't be seen from the living room or the kitchen, and he leant his head against the door frame and listened in to Karen and Gretchen.  
"You were totally right! I mean, they're so weird together." Gretchen whispered.  
"I know! I may not be smart, but I'm not dumb."  
"But like, Regina? Liking girls?"  
"I told you, Regina spread all that stuff about Janis because she liked her, and she was projectioning."  
"Do you mean projecting?"  
"That's what I said."  
Damian entered.  
"Are you guys talking about what I think you're talking about?" They both started.  
"That depends. What do you think we're talking about?" Gretchen tried to act cool. Damian leaned in over the kitchen counter like he was about to confess the secrets of the universe.  
"Janis and Regina."  
"Oh my GOD!" Karen gasped. "Aren't they, like, totally into each other?"  
"YES." Damian was freaking out now. "Hold on."  
He stepped back out into the living room, nonchalant as anything, and said "Cady, could you come here a moment?" Cady looked confused, working her way out from Aaron's arm and moving towards the kitchen.  
"What's up?"  
"Karen and Gretchen have the same hunch as we do. About Janis and Regina."  
"Oh my god. Oh, my god. No way."  
"I mean, we can't be wrong. They're both so into each other. It's super obvious.” Gretchen stage whispered.  
"So, we like, totally have to get them together." Karen said.  
"Definitely." Cady agreed. "What's the plan?"  
At that moment, Aaron entered.  
"Hey, guys. Janis sent me to see what was going on."  
"Ok, we might as well catch you up to speed.” Damian nodded to the rest of the group. They broke out of their huddle, and Cady explained,  
"We think Janis and Regina like each other. And we've all just realised we all thought the same thing."  
"Oh. Oh wow." Aaron looked pensive. "So, what, you guys think Regina is..."  
"A lesbian. Maybe. Definitely into girls." Damian nodded.  
"That..." he looked like he was mulling it over, "That explains a lot. But- Janis and Regina?"  
"Well, you see how they're always insulting each other. It's always bordering on flirting. And Regina always gets so flustered around her." Cady explained.  
"And Janis is always looking at Regina, like, a second after she finishes speaking. Like, she's just looking at her for the sake of it."  
"Oh yeah!" Damian exclaimed. 

"What do you think they're talking about in there?" Janis leaned her arm over the back of the sofa and looked towards the kitchen.  
"Who knows. They're all being weird." Regina's phone clicked and the screen went black, but she continued to look at it for a moment.  
"Actually, it's kind of a good thing, 'cause I wanted to talk to you." Janis frowned- Regina seemed genuinely nervous. She wasn't used to Regina being genuinely anything.  
"So, I've been through a lot of therapy since... the bus incident. And I've realised something."  
"You're a bitch?" Janis said it as a joke, but if she was being honest with herself, she was trying to deflect the discomfort she felt at Regina's frankness.  
"I mean, yes." That was even more startling. Regina didn't just look genuine now, but earnest. Actually earnest. "But... I've been thinking a lot, about why... why I did what I did in middle school. And... it's because I was projecting." Regina looked down at her leg. Janis' eyes went wide.  
"What?"  
"Yeah."  
"And by projecting you mean..."  
"I'm gay."  
There was a very heavy pause.  
"Holy shit." Janis said finally. “Ho-ooly shit."  
"Yeah." Everything was silent. Then the other five entered.  
"Sorry about that- drinks. We were getting drinks." Damian held up his Coke to make it more believable. Janis narrowed her eyes, but said nothing. They'd paused the movie when Cady left, and as everyone retook their seats and Cady passed her a Coke, Janis began to feel normal again. Except that she couldn't quite feel normal, when she was trying to process a ridiculously large piece of completely insane information.

It was like she was going through everything again. All of the pain. Like the wound had finally healed, and then she'd gone back in time four years and it was a fresh cut, and it stung and burned and bled. And she had to live through everything again. Every day she'd cried herself to sleep. Every sleepover with her and Regina. Every lunchtime where she'd bitterly mulled on her hatred for Regina and her stupid blonde hair and pink clothes. She had to relive every memory and add in that one detail, like she was going back to a painting and adding more shading or texture. It was nothing dramatic, but it gave the painting a whole new effect. It wasn't what she'd been looking at for four years. It was new and different and it scared the shit out of her.  
Silently, she relived every painful moment with that new knowledge, and it just made everything worse.


	4. projecting and protecting

“So why were you really in the kitchen for so long?” Janis asked Damian. Everyone was heading upstairs one by one, and she and Damian had gone out to his car to grab their stuff.  
“No reason.” Damian avoided eye contact.  
“You’re like, the worst liar ever. Seriously, what?”  
“Seriously, nothing.”  
“Okay. Well I’m keeping a secret too, so I guess we’re even.” Damian’s eyes practically popped out of his head as Janis nonchalantly shut the trunk.  
“What secret?”  
“That’s for me to know and you not to find out.”  
“Let me guess. You’re gay?”  
“No. Straight as a rod, me.” She pulled her bag over her shoulder and met his eyes.  
“Yeah, a bent rod. Seriously, what’s the secret?”  
“Nothing.”  
“Is it about Regina?”  
“No.”  
“Okay. I don’t believe a word you’re saying.”  
“Well I don’t believe a word you’re saying.”  
“Why don’t we just tell each other our secrets?” Damian tried to persuade her.  
“Well it’s not really my secret to tell.”  
“Oh.”  
“But actually… You’ll find out eventually. Probably. I don’t know.”  
“You can trust me. I won’t say anything.”  
“No. I shouldn’t do it.”  
“I of all people, Janis-“  
“No, Damian!” Janis glanced at the house and briefly around the dark, empty street.  
“Okay, how about I tell you what we were talking about in the kitchen, and then you tell me?”  
“No!”  
“How about I tell you what we were talking about anyway, and if it matches up with your secret, you can tell me.”  
“…Fine.” They were fully whisper-shouting in the 11pm darkness, and Janis was shivering in the absence of a coat.  
“Okay. We… we were talking about how we think Regina might like girls.” There was a pause.  
“What the fuck.”  
“Hear me out, okay. What if she was projecting everything onto you? What if… what if she likes you?”  
“Okay, you are either psychic or you were listening in on our conversation.”  
“What conversation?”  
“Regina told me she’s gay tonight.”  
“Holy-“  
“And she told me she’d been projecting.”  
“Woah.”  
“But she didn’t say anything about liking me. And I don’t think she does. That would be completely insane.” Janis started to head back to the house, but Damian’s voice stopped her in her tracks.  
“Would it?” His voice, raised slightly now to reach her as she headed into Cady’s, seemed to echo around the houses.  
“Yes. Because I still haven’t forgiven her.” Janis turned slowly back around, but wouldn’t meet Damian’s eye.  
“You haven’t? Really?”  
“No. How the hell could I?”  
“Janis…”  
“No. I don’t forgive her. I don’t think I can. So whatever idea you have about me and her or whatever, you can fucking forget it. I can see that look in your eye, like ‘ooh, how cute would it be to set them up!’ Well it’s not fucking cute. It’s my shit to deal with, it’s my life, and I’ve been trying to recover from it for five fucking years. And that’s nowhere near enough time.” Her voice had returned to its normal volume.  
“Janis.”  
“No, Damian.” And she turned and walked into the house.

On pain of death, Aaron was not to sleep in Cady’s room, under strict instructions from her parents, and so he had her parent’s bed while they were out, Damian had Cady’s, and all the girls were on the sofas or floors of the living room.  
Janis realised as she saw the girls setting up their blankets that this would be her first sleepover with anyone but Damian since she was 12. She felt vaguely panicked by the thought of it, a feeling which was not helped by Regina looking in her direction from the sofa. Janis felt vaguely sick.  
She followed Cady’s beckoning into the living room.  
“I’m gonna go get changed.”  
“You can get changed in here.” Cady shrugged. Janis paused, not sure what to say.  
“That’s okay.” She left as quickly as she could.

Janis looked at herself in the mirror. Her oversized t-shirt from a concert when she was 14, and the men’s black and green check pyjama trousers she had thrifted, seemed to swallow her whole. She pulled a face wash out of her bag, tied up her hair and rinsed off her makeup, feeling smaller and smaller by the second. She couldn’t pinpoint exactly what had freaked her out about being out there, but she could feel the tightness in her chest at the thought of stepping back out. Drying her face on a hand towel, she looked at herself again. It always surprised her how young she looked with no makeup on. Sometimes she felt just like a 12-year-old girl again. And that was not something she wanted to feel.  
She couldn’t go back out there. So she went up the stairs, trying to make as little noise as possible, and knocked on Cady’s bedroom door. She inched it open, and saw Damian was already asleep. She shut the door behind her and crawled into the bed next to him. She pulled the covers up to her shoulders, and as she settled down, she felt Damian’s arm fall across her and squeeze her briefly in a one-armed hug.

 

Everyone else had fallen asleep, but Regina couldn’t even seem to shut her eyes. No doors had opened or shut, so Janis must still be in the house, and she was probably with Damian. But she couldn’t shake the guilt and anxiety. She was realising, day by day, the extent of what she’d done to Janis all those years ago, and it was a guilt she couldn’t quite sit with. Especially when she actually cared about Janis.  
It was so much easier not caring. Or at least pretending you didn’t.  
She stepped over Karen and moved up the stairs, as quietly as she could. It was already 2am, and everyone else was completely asleep. She identified Cady’s room from the small collage of lion pictures on the door, and she pushed down the handle and inched the door open.  
Damian was taking up most of the bed, spread-eagled on his back. But his left arm was over Janis’ shoulder. Janis looked so small while she slept, mouth ever so slightly open, curled into a ball on her side, turned towards Damian. She was almost drowning in the covers. Regina felt a tug in her heart, soured by guilt, and she realised she’d missed her chance. She’d never be able to say how she felt to Janis, because with every passing second she felt the pain she’d caused more acutely, and with every passing second she had more and more reasons that Janis would never want to be with her.  
She stepped back out the door, closing it behind her, and suppressed a sob.


	5. therapists and thought processes

Janis had had a lot of therapists over the years. It had taken a few tries to get it right, and she trusted her ability by now to judge a book by its cover accurately. Or rather, a therapist from their waiting room.  
A couple of mothers sat waiting with their children. Some, Janis recognised, and nodded politely to. Others, she immediately knew were here for the first time. There was always a sense of shame around them, like they thought everyone else was judging them. Janis remembered that feeling. She recognised the expression of fear in the eyes of a small girl, about 14, with a shock of red hair, who was so hunched up into herself that she was almost doubled over in the cushy seating.  
The walls had a couple of pieces of artwork. This was Janis’ “talk therapist”, but she still had a good eye for art, something which Janis had immediately been drawn to. And it was light and airy, something a lot of these offices were not, when they so concerned with patient privacy that there were no windows. Janis had been to plenty of places that felt more like psychiatric wards than therapist’s offices.  
Jo, the receptionist, waved Janis in with a familiar smile, gesturing to the chair Janis basically always picked. It was opposite a window which showed a bank of flowers, and even in the wintry season the bare trees swayed in the wind in a way Janis just found calming. She’d done about six paintings of that window in her life.  
Jo finished a brief phone call with her standard “b-bye”, and placed the receiver down with a gentle click that formed part of the rhythm of this building, along with the occasional whirr of the printer from the back room.  
“Janis? Dr Forrester is ready for you.” Jo smiled and gestured to the door- Jo always seemed to be gesturing somebody somewhere. Janis got up and pushed open the door.  
“Afternoon, Janis.”  
“Hey, Dr Forrester.” Janis sat down on the plush blue sofa. For the first year or so she’d perched on the edge, keeping her voice low and considering every word, trying to make herself small, desperately avoiding the harsh, supposedly judgemental eye of her therapist. Now she just sort of flopped, grinning and tucking her left ankle under her right leg. It had been a long journey to this point, and as she relaxed into the seat it gave under her with a comforting familiarity.  
“How are you?”  
“Pretty good.”  
“How’s Damian?”  
“Equally so.”  
“Cady?”  
“All good. She and Damian made me a cake for my birthday.”  
“That’s so sweet. Was your birthday fun?”  
“Mostly.”  
“Mostly?”  
“I’ll get to that.”  
“How are the… ex-Plastics, is it?”  
“Yeah. Karen’s still super dumb, but sweet. Gretchen’s less freakishly dependent on Regina’s opinion now, and I’m happy for her.”  
“And Regina?”  
“That’s what I wanted to get to.”  
“Ah. And this has something to do with your birthday?” Dr Forrester didn’t miss a damn trick. Janis thought it every time, but she loved this woman. She wasn’t the kind of person Janis would have imagined herself getting on with in any other context. She wore her sleek dyed-blonde hair in a low ponytail, and her square glasses and perpetual cycle of grayscale cardigans gave off a very therapist-y vibe. But she had a real skill for getting on Janis’ wavelength, especially after all these years.  
“It would. And it’s a very weird story.”  
“You’ve probably told me weirder.”  
“I doubt that.”  
“Okay. Well, go ahead.”  
“So. I was at Cady’s house for a mini-party thing. Everything was fine. Except me and Regina were talking, and then Karen and Gretchen left, and then Damian followed them, and then Damian called Cady in, and then Aaron went in after them. And they were all being weird. And then Regina, you won’t believe this- Regina came out to me. Said she’d been projecting everything.” Janis stopped, and Dr Forrester’s eyes widened, her pen frozen above the college-ruled paper. Even she didn’t quite know what to make of it.  
“Well. It’s shocking, but it sort of makes a lot of sense. I’m not too surprised.”  
“That makes, like, 6 of you. Everyone else was apparently talking about how they think Regina likes me. That’s what they were doing in the kitchen.”  
“Wow. Okay.”  
“Yeah.” Dr Forrester looked at her over the top of her glasses, and Janis braced for the inevitable.  
“So how does that make you feel?” She suppressed a snort.  
“I don’t know. I mean, how am I supposed to feel?”  
“Who told you what they were talking about in the kitchen?”  
“Damian.”  
“What did you say to that?” Janis’ voice went softer for a moment.  
“I said I didn’t forgive her.” She looked down at a loose thread on the carpet.  
“Is that true?”  
“I think so. It’s just… I thought I could get past it if we were just going to be friends. But if we were ever actually going to… that place, in any capacity, I’d need to forgive her. And I don’t. I don’t feel like I can.” Dr Forrester cocked her head to the side. “Not that I- I mean…” The unsaid words hung heavy in the air, and Janis clenched her jaw slightly.  
“Talk me through that.”

An hour later, Janis was walking home, and everything simultaneously felt more and less clear. What was clear, was that Janis had to forgive Regina, for both of their sakes. She couldn’t dangle Regina’s past failings over her forever, however tempting that may be because of what had happened to her. If she did that, she just inflicted the same damage to Regina, even when she was trying to genuinely apologise. That guilt wasn’t something Regina should have to carry, especially not alongside whatever feelings she was going through herself. Janis realised that Regina was now in the same position she had been in all those years ago, and she was now faced with the choice between revenge and forgiveness.  
And Janis needed to lift that weight off herself, to let herself breathe free, because as long as she didn’t forgive Regina, it almost meant that she was believing Regina’s words, believing the insults and rumours and letting that define her. She was sick of her sexuality belonging to rumours and gossip and slurs.

However, everything also felt less clear, because that was a hell of a lot for Janis to wrap her head around.


End file.
